20 replies to this topic

[dicky7]

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go
> fishing.  He called the royal weather forecaster, a
> very important position, and inquired as to the weather
> forecast for the next few hours.  The weatherman
> assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming
> days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On
> the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
> Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty,
> you should return to the palace at once because in just a
> short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this
> area".  The king was polite and considerate, he
> replied:  "I hold the palace meteorologist in high
> regard.
> He is an extensively educated and experienced
> professional.Besides, I pay him very high wages. He
> gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will
> continue on my
> way." So he continued on his way.
> However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the
> sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their
> entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful
> condition.  Furious, the king returned to the palace
> and gave the order to fire the weatherman at
> once!Then he summoned the farmer and offered
> him the prestigious and high paying role of royal
> forecaster.
> The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything
> about forecasting.
> I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my
> donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it
> will rain."  So the king hired the donkey.
> And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the
> government and occupy its highest and most influential
> positions.
 

[Delapool]

What has 4 wheels and flies in the air??


---- a garbage truck !

(I'll see myself out ).


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[werdna]

Three men are eating at a restaurant and order a $10 lunch meal

At the end of the meal they pay the waiter.

Waiter gives the money to his boss who says there is a special on at the moment, 3 meals for $25 and gives the waiter back $5

 

Waiter doesn't know how to split it for the men evenly, so figures he will pocket $2, and give the men back $1 each.

 

The three men paid $9 each = $27

Waiter pocketed $2

 

What happened to the other dollar?

 

Because math, that's what

[bigjohnnofish]

because 25 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 28 not 27..... and theres $2 left over for the waiter... 

 

25 divided by 3 is ( 8 1/3 ) - thats what they paid 

 

so add 1 dollar to each man and they have paid ( 9 1/3) dollars each 

 

yes simple maths

[werdna]

Way to go ruin the fun!

[Terry]

The food waiter gives food

The drink waiter gives drinks

The head waiter gives instructions to the other two.

[Frontosaman]

Wouldn't the head quiet give the head?


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[Terry]

I don't understand Tapatalk Frontosaman

[Frontosaman]

??


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[Westie]

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says "Right-o son, go and ask your Mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."
 

The boy runs off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a Million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same Question."

The boy runs off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

 

Well there you have it, son," said his dad."Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."        

 

[MrLeifBeaver]

What has 4 wheels and flies in the the air?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

A Garbage Truck

[Westie]

how dare you repeat that "joke" in the same thread MLB......

[dicky7]

 ^^^

[malawiman85]

MLB you're fired!

[MrLeifBeaver]

how dare you repeat that "joke" in the same thread MLB......

 

 ^^^

 

MLB you're fired!

 

OH NO   I thought I saw that joke else where! Lol!

[Westie]

[Westie]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

 

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

[Delapool]

Two cowboys in the old wild west are checking out a wanted poster.

'What's it say' asks one cowboy.

'Well, it says they're after a man wearing a brown paper hat'

And ???

'Well, he's also got brown cardboard boots, a dark paper shirt and blue paper pants'

'Go on' says the first cowboy. 'What's he wanted for?'

The second cowboy checks out the bottom of the wanted posted, whistles and says

'Rustling! He rustles everywhere...'


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[bigjohnnofish]

its friday again so here we go

 

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.” “Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it….

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

 

[Riggers]

Here's a couple of fish related 'dad' jokes

What did the fish say when he posted bail? "I'm off the hook!"

Why don't fish like basketball? Cause they're afraid of the net

Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!

What do you call a fish with a tie? soFISHticated

What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish? A Loan shark!

How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles

Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!