10 replies to this topic

[dicky7]

Nearly had sex with a ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman.
Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman, but, as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!
That's when I thought - Hang on just a minute!
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I  saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm, bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,  "That's gonna be a bit awkward, innit?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

________________________________
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration  officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just  here for a few days."

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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

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I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a man sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said  "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."     

[Delapool]

[malawiman85]

"After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on."

Piss funny!!!

[Westie]

Subject: Coffee and Testicles

A guy goes into the Job Centre Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He  replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok,  Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes,"  he says, "I was in  Afghanistan for one tour."

The  interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The  guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The  interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service.

Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.

Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.  Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.

" The  guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.  No point in you coming in for that."

[dicky7]

So Jason how come you tell us you have to get up early for work .. as to why you cant come to some meetings if ya don't start till 10.am?/  

[Westie]

Because I scratch my balls and drink coffee for 2 hours..... Derrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!

[dicky7]

Ahhh ok thort that's what ya do

[Delapool]

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

[malawiman85]

Where is the "dont like" button ;-)

[Delapool]

Where is the "dont like" button ;-)

Lol Pretty terrible that one.

[Westie]

Well if you thought that one was terrible, just wait until you read this joke:

 

This morning I went to the Centrelink to sign my dogs up for benefits.
The lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefits!"

So, I explained to her that my dogs are coloured, unemployed,
bone lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Dads are.
They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My dogs get their first cheques next Friday.
Bugger me, Australia is a great country!